To Be Mother

This leaf was a gift from my youngest, and the pride with which she presented it to me made it ten times more special.

Deeply thinking about what called me to this path after giving birth always fills me with an overload of words. At times I feel more poetic, more fluid and more at ease. At other times I feel angry at the world for sacrificing birth to the patriarchy, and then I instantly feel that I need to work ten times harder to try and change the direction we're headed. This is because I used to think my power lied in my ability to work incredibly hard no matter what the universe put in my path. Being powerful meant to not need breaks and to be uninfluenced by physical pains and discomforts. If I was strong and powerful, I could do anything, at any time, in spite of all limitations.

At this specific moment, however, I feel that power doesn't mean what I once thought it meant.

Personally, I find my power in writing.

I find it in being gentle with my daughters and taking the time to communicate fully with them so they can know themselves and what it means to be a mother.

I find it in the connections I make with the beautiful women I work with, and the complete lack of judgment I feel toward them. I now see these women as my sisters, and in this perspective there lies so much power. I am grateful.

I also find my power in being slow, in being feminine and in always making educated and informed choices. It is true what they say about knowledge being power. My most recent challenges wouldn't have had such positive outcomes if gaining knowledge about them wasn't at the forefront of my mind always.

But most of all, more than any of the above, I find my power hidden beneath the debris of my most destructive days. It is there, in the center, burning away what once seemed so important but now reveals itself to me as nothing more than distractions that reach no deeper than the surface of my Self. This type of revelation is so powerful that entire karmic cycles feel as though they've broken in an instant. And thus, my power is empowered by my ability to ebb and flow with the current, to know when to lean one way and to know to listen closely when something inside tells me I am correct in my inklings.

I wrote the following one night many months ago while my husband worked late and my babies slept soundly. It was around the time I first began to really understand my own power and my motivations as a mother, as a doula and as a woman overall. I find it to still be relevant, and so I share it here nearly half a year later.

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I am a seeker of justice, and I see the handling of birth as one of the most consequential and important injustices of America's history to date. This can happen no longer. We as women must reclaim what nature intended us to be: powerful, authentic, confident, comfortable, nurturing and tuned in to the moon. We shall not continue to be overly timid, polite, modest, pretty and obedient. It is time to find our strength within ourselves, and to help the women around us to do the same.

Have you heard your intuition speak to you before? It has a beautiful, enticing voice that fills you with contentedness and complete assuredness. Slow your quickening thoughts for a moment. Feel your body and its heaviness. Embrace its steadiness. Allow the voice of your intuition to open the silence and fill your spirit with knowing.

Trust. Accept. Follow. Allow your problems to be provided solutions. Allow your warrior to emerge, as though she is finally returning home from battle. Allow the you that is mother {and we are all mother in our own way, whether or not we have a child}, to BE love, and BE feminine mystery.

When we see the you that is mother, we cannot take our eyes off of her, nor do we desire to. She is much too beautiful to turn away from, and we crave the comfort she provides.

To be mother is to be strong, fierce, powerful and inspired.

To be mother is to be selfless, to be a muse and to be a source of peace, ever soft, ever warm, ever beautiful.

And for those who do have children, to have you be their mother is for them to have a center and a nest; safety and comfort. They do not feel alone and they do not feel uneasy. They are yours and they hope to remain yours for so very long. Remember that you are the mother your child needs. It wouldn't have been any other way.

Let us all rise and bloom as the Earth intended, so that we may replenish it with the life-giving force of the mother.

My first muse, sweet "Floralei."

Releasing What Was, In Birth and Motherhood

Tonight is a full moon, a powerful full moon in one of my signs (I am on the cusps of Aquarius and Capricorn), and it has inspired me beyond belief in a way I cannot describe, nor do I want to attempt to describe. I’ve been much more in tune with the moon since having babies and quitting birth control. It’s been wild to actually notice a change in my connection to the Earth, especially when it comes to my life’s work in the childbirth phase of a woman’s life.

Interestingly, tonight the moon has me wanting to share some thoughts on the concept of releasing that which no longer serves us. So, after setting out my crystals and admiring the glow of the moon as it rose behind a palm tree, I decided to skip the television and go straight to my keyboard. This never happens anymore after long days with kiddos, so I felt it  imperative that I take full advantage of the energy I had been given and let the words reveal themselves speedily. They, like me, needed release.

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Just as in birth, motherhood itself requires a woman to let go of so much that she holds dear. She sacrifices her body and spirit, literally, for her child - a child that she doesn’t see or hold in her arms for around ten months. In order to give birth efficiently to both her baby and her new Self, a woman must release all that prevents her from caring for her child. This includes not only former vices, but also former dreams. While a woman can be anything she desires to be, it is impossible for anyone, woman or man, to accomplish all goals at once. Accepting this as a necessary truth upon which the foundation our motherhood is built upon is itself the key to truly living as a mother.

Not as a woman who once was.

Not as a woman who will be one day.

But as a woman who is madly in love with her Self, her children and her lover.

A woman who is dedicated to her family and closest friends.

A woman who caters to her own deep desires and interests.

A woman who is present and accepting of what arrives in her life, knowing a lesson will be learned and a battle will be won.

In releasing our need to control every outer aspect of our being, whether specifically in our birthing spaces or generally in our overall lives as mothers, we create room for new understandings and ideas. And in doing this we are able to provide our families with more. More love, more wisdom and more of our maternal essences.

Personally, as a mother who has made a point of creating space for natural elements to play a larger role in my life, I am growing more and more patient by the week. I am relying less on my own ability to control my Self, my children and my environment, and, in turn, I am relying more on those who love me and the Earth that holds me close. I am trusting only that which feels right intuitively, because motherhood taught me that my intuition is a treasure from Mother Nature herself - as is your intuition.

And so I suggest that you release what was once necessary, but is no longer. Release fears that have guided you on your path, but are no more than extra weight at the moment. Release the tension in each part of your body. Release the cares that are suffocating what could be something so simple as a warm, beautiful summer evening with a slight breeze rolling in through an open window, a full moon shining golden above you and those you love resting warmly in your heart.

Release the excuses, release the guilt, release the shame. In releasing, we receive. And what better time to receive, than the present?

My full moon eclipse consisted of a postpartum visit with a beautiful new mama, a play date in an adventurous backyard, a good conversation with a wonderful friend, some garbage truck wonder, dress up dance parties, sunset, rusted chairs, lots of toys and lots of crystals.