THE AFTERWARD
Metzli was SO slippery, and not one spot of vernix remained on her skin. After looking her over and assessing her state (which was perfect), I tried to sit down so I could hold her more easily and begin to nurse her. My tailbone, however, did NOT want me to sit down, so I tried to lean back against the bed in an uncomfortable upright position, suddenly remembering that we needed to get Lorelei and Isla in the room to meet their sister! I told Ryan to call to them as I looked into Metzli’s eyes, her beautiful face pressed against my breast as she stared right through me and into my soul. It truly felt like (and still does feel like) I am her and she is me. I also know this to be true. She was an extension of my being, and I had known her for a lifetime.
I cannot quite recall the first thing I said to her, as badly as I want to. I believe it was, “Hi Metzli, you’re here! Welcome to our family,” but I really can’t be sure. I remember Lorelei and Isla running in and sitting to my right, in between me and their dad. They put a Beanie Baby on me and gave me a blanket for Metzli. I will cherish this blanket forever - I’m sentimental like that. We all looked at Metzli in awe. She was so happy, and she immediately latched on to my nipple - perfectly too. It was so nice to already have experienced breastfeeding so that this part was mostly a breeze. I was surprised at how strong and ferocious her nursing was, though. Just minutes old and already so full of life and instinct. My nipples could tell that she was more than ready to be here. She was ready to THRIVE.
I told Ryan to take pictures, so he did, and then my parents arrived. They couldn’t believe how fast Metzli was born (four hours of active labor!), and they were so excited that everyone was healthy and happy (but of course!). As much as they supported me and my plan to free birth, they were still fucking terrified that something awful would happen. I couldn’t have been happier to ease those fears by proudly showing them my beaming smile and my beautiful baby, on my bedroom floor, my body covered in blood, amniotic fluid and meconium. I felt the most natural, wild, and HUMAN that I’ve ever felt in my entire life.
Eventually I was ready to get horizontal in bed, eat a snack and drink some water. Someone (my mom, Ryan?) helped me up from the floor and guided me into bed, placing a sheet over me for warmth. I kept Metzli latched and close the entire time. It felt good to lay back and rest. As happy as I was to have finished the immediate birth process, I missed having her inside of me, safe and warm and contained.
A few moments later I felt a renewed sensation of pressure and discomfort and warmth with my continuing contractions. It was my placenta waiting to be released. Ryan went and grabbed a bowl, then came to catch my placenta as I encouraged its release. He then placed it in a container in the fridge - we were going to have it made into capsules later, and also use a portion for placenta smoothies. He said it was crazy to hold a placenta in his hands, and that it felt heavier than the baby. I do regret not holding it myself, but I was so enthralled with my child, with all of my children, that no part of me cared about sentimental curiosities outside of their magical existence in that moment. Holding Metzli as I continued to feel into my body and monitor my bleeding was first and foremost anyway.
My dad went with Lorelei and Isla to get me a snack and some water. I asked them to go to the lemon tree and pick the birth lemon that had accompanied me through my pregnancy journey. This lemon was giving birth to another lemon, and it grew and grew as I grew and grew. This was the perfect moment to join together and celebrate LIFE. This lemon was squeezed into my water and presented to me with some crackers as I had requested. This was followed by a “Happy Birthday” serenade and homemade Frozen-themed ice-blue cupcakes to celebrate Isla’s birthday, as it had passed midnight and she was now five! I stayed away from the cupcakes so as to help my body adjust a bit easier to not being pregnant, but everyone else really enjoyed them. I kind of regret this now because they seriously looked so good.
And, oh, how beautiful my newborn child was. Her features were so tiny, yet prominent, her hands so small and yet strong, her hair so dark and soft, her feet as precious as could be. Her skin was pink and flakey, taking on the appearance of dryness. She was definitely ready to be born; she chose the perfect time. Holding her in those first moments felt like my life’s purpose had been handed to me, and it was made of the most delicate crystal. This is how I felt with all of my babies. It felt like holding literal angels in my hands, angels that I created a physical form for. Angels that I was tasked with being a spiritual guide for. With Lorelei and Isla, I did not know that I could live up to that task. But with Metzli, I knew that I could. Her sisters showed me that truth. It was evident in her beautiful baby body that she was made for this world and would be an integral part of its rebirthing.
After some time in bed I felt a strong desire to rinse off in the shower and get warm and dressed. I wanted to be cozy in bed with my family, and the cold, limp umbilical cord kept sticking to my leg and bothering Metzli while she was trying to settle and nurse without distraction. Lorelei remembered that I wanted to ask Metzli if she was ready to have her umbilical cord cut, and make sure she knew what was going to happen. So we spoke to Metzli and felt it was clear that she was ready to have her umbilical cord severed, just as I was. After boiling the metallic rainbow scissors in water for about ten minutes, I clamped and cut Metzli’s cord, and she didn’t seem to mind at all. She was peacefully nursing in her sleep, happy to be on my body. I didn’t mind either; I was ready to be unbothered by its stickiness.
When I got up to shower, there was a decent amount of blood in the bed (we had prepped for this with layers of extra sheets and shower curtains). Isla remembers it still and my mom was worried, but I knew from my studies that blood always looks like more than it actually is, and to base any concern primarily on the mother's behavior and ability to stand. I remember dripping blood on the carpet, bathroom floor and toilet as I moved my way to the shower. There was a big blood stain on the carpet where I had birthed Metzli - in spite of the chucks pads and towels that had been laid down. We had to drain the water from the unused bath so that I could get in, and while I waited I prepared for my first post-birth urination. The anticipation of a potential burning sensation was intense.
I sat on the toilet to pee and felt that it was the moment of truth. If there was no burn, then it was pretty much a guarantee that there was no tear. I held my breath and peed, and it didn’t hurt at all. Not one fucking bit. Yes! I was so happy. One less thing on the checklist of things to look out for, plus I felt validated in the choice to trust my body and let it open in the way it desired so as to birth my baby. My trust that I would stretch and open was not misplaced. After this win, I thoroughly enjoyed my shower, and then felt an urgency to get dressed and hold my baby.
Those initial moments of separation felt very to the point, and then very strange. I did not want to be disconnected from my baby at all, though I did want her sisters to have a chance to hold her and meet her and look into the eyes of a newborn baby. They each took a turn with their dad’s help, and I got to see the photos afterward. Everyone was so happy and radiant. The energy in the room after a blissful birth is like NOTHING I have ever experienced before. It is otherworldly.
The pad process took a bit of time. It involved an adult diaper and extra large menstrual pads placed just so. My mom helped me by retrieving the clothes I wanted to wear and making sure I stayed standing in the bathroom. I felt alert and well, and I knew that there was no concern to be had. I once again took hold of my new baby, and Ryan got to work on laundry and stripping/making the bed anew. He cleaned the entire house within an hour or so while my parents helped with Lorelei and Isla. We were very grateful this was the case when the morning came. There is nothing like waking up to your beautiful, brand new baby in a spotless house cleaned by someone other than you!
While all of this was going on, I sat with Metzli in the glider that we had set up in the living room and began nursing her. There was immediate nipple pain. I knew then that I was really in it for it with this baby, and five months later at the time of writing this, I’m still proven right. Her latch was and is stellar, but her suck remains to be very intense. There was no eliminating such a strong, innate desire to commit to life via drawing in the gift of her mother’s milk. Coping with this intensity has only made me stronger.
In those moments sitting with Metzli in the glider, there was a lot of noise surrounding us. The were still awake and very excited, asking a lot of questions and exuding an intense energy. It made me tired. I was ready to be quiet and to sleep, as by now it was somewhere around 2 or 3 a.m. Trying to recall how I got into bed and at what point the girls themselves were taken to bed and who did it is impossible. I think I asked my parents to help, but I don’t remember. My only memory is that Metzli never detached from my breast. She nursed through the night and we both remained in a half sleep of sorts.
When the next morning arrived, the girls came and climbed into bed with us and admired their sleeping baby sister. I snapped a few photos and wished Isla a happy birthday once again. We decided to still have her party that day since the baby had been born, and Ryan would have just enough time to get everything together and make it to the park to celebrate. We gave Isla her present while I nursed Metzli in bed.
My sister asked if she could come to my house with our grandma and parents to meet Metzli and make lunch. There was no pressure, but I thought their company and pre-party help would be really nice to have, so I said yes. I stayed in bed nursing until they arrived. Then I ate what my sister prepared for me - my favorite Thai food - while my grandma held Metzli and told me how proud she was of Ryan and I. It was a special moment, as it should be. Everyone was so amped on the fact that the birth went well, and we were all riding that oxytocin wave with Metzli’s every sleepy exhale. I shared the story of the birth with them and we admired how precious this baby was. She was so tiny. We had weighed her that morning and she was 7lbs 6 oz, just like her oldest sister was at birth. Holding her felt like holding the tiniest, most delicate gift from Spirit, as though I had been entrusted with a delicate baby angel who was sent to help us change the world.
After Isla, Lorelei and their dad left for Isla’s birthday party that was being thrown at our neighborhood park, I wanted my baby back, and I wanted to lay down in bed with her and take a nap. I was TIRED. So I did just that! Nicely, but unapologetically. My sister, mom and grandma cleaned everything up from lunch and quietly left for home while I slept and nursed Metzli. I remember everyone returning home from the party a few hours later right after Metzli woke up. There were so many presents and bags to go through, and it was all a bit hectic. Lorelei and Isla wanted to show and tell me everything, and Isla was so exhausted and a bit grumpy.
That night, Ryan and his three daughters read their first bedtime story together post-birth. Metzli fell asleep in Lorelei’s arms, and Lorelei fell asleep leaning back against some pillows. The book was a collection of Frozen stories that Isla got for her birthday. She was so happy and stoked on remembering her birthday fun that she managed to stay awake. It was a sweet ending to our first full day as a family of five. My body was very ready for rest, and my bed felt like such a safe haven. Sleeping only a few feet away from where Metzli was born felt like sleeping on sacred ground. I loved being in the energy the space was holding for us.
Birth is a family event, not a medical event. One must only open their mind, their heart and their arms to receive this knowing. Together, through allowing birth to unfold undisturbed, on its own terms and in an environment of love, we will create a New Earth for this and all future generations.
