I can sense that I am an unborn
fragment of something vast.
Wet winged I am
in the face of my emergence.
With not much more than a thin veil
between my present self and my future self,
the patterns that define me can be seen.
I feel the winds sway me left and right
leaving me unsure of my purpose,
let alone my survival.
Yet I shall persist
in making sure I exist
outside of this translucent captivity.
Though I am compressed within
this thinning illusion that I crafted
via my own unconscious doings,
I know that I shall soon expand
to a capacity beyond
anything I have known thus far.
I can feel in my center that
one day my wings will spread
and drip dry on the earth
as my inner river flows through them,
surpassing their edges.
Oh yes, my wings will fill
with the forceful energy of life,
and my heart will swell with the knowing
that I was right about my worth.
One day I will love myself
so much.
The imagery of metamorphosis has had a profound effect on me in my adult life. I find that it appears in so much of my writing, which makes plenty of sense considering my vocation as a mothercare devotee and protectress of the motherbaby dyad post-emergence.
Metzli, my most recent baby birthed, was the catalyst for my current cocoon state. Yet, I fear that my inactivity in virtual spaces has created the illusion that I am no longer doing creative or birth-focused work. The truth is that I have shifted everything in my life to be a present mother of three first, and a business-oriented woman second, or perhaps never again.
One might think my daily activities are thus mundanely limited to cooking, cleaning, and problem-solving for little ones. Of course these tasks are prioritized by default, but I am a creative, just as you are, and I have learned that maintaining my creative life is crucial to my overall wellness and ability to be a heart-centered mother. The artistry of motherhood is my lifeblood, and I am the one wielding the pen that creates my future.
This new presence means that I am writing and visioning behind the scenes at every opportunity - all in the interest of elevating mothers and children. I am blessed to have my own children as my muses, and the new versions of me that continually appear as I forge my mothering path are also my muses. Every iteration of myself inspires new revelations in the realms of both being a mother and caring for other mothers. It's deep, dark, and fertile work, and I'm completely immersed in the transformative process right now. My full-winged emergence is soon to come.
This poem, titled by Lorelei (my oldest daughter), was inspired by the image of myself as a wet-winged creature who is a short time away from breaking through my rice-paper thin chrysalis. As the poem unfolded, I felt Metzli's love palpably, and could hear her sweet voice saying to me: "Mama, I love you so much." She always says it when I need to hear it the most.
The time I had to carve out in order to write and edit this poem, create these images, and share them with you here was hard won. Surrendering to the slowness of my creative process while mothering is my current practice, and that's what this poem is about.
Butterfly photo by Nancy Chow 🦋